Booty 4
by sesheta255
Summary: Kaidan plots revenge, but will it backfire and bite him on the ass?


_Yet more Booty random stupidity. Why do I let myself get talked into these things? But I swear there will be no more booty, lmao. Of course I blame Star for the whole thing._

_Thanks go to Star for her betaing and brainstorming, and also Shenzi, Night, and Sirius for their encouragement._

_As usual Bioware owns all, but whether they want to lay claim to this is another matter altogether._

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**Booty 4**

Kaidan wandered along behind Shepard as she scoured every shop on the Citadel in an effort to upgrade everyone's armour. He'd been avoiding her while his butt healed but today she decided he was the one who had to accompany her on her shopping expedition. All because he'd made the mistake of mentioning to Joker that he wanted to pick up a few things on the Citadel while they were here.

He'd had to put up with a hell of a lot over the last week from just about everyone on the crew. _Led by Joker of course._ He had a plan forming. It was time for payback on everyone, especially Garrus, Joker, and Shepard for all the taunts he'd endured regarding his ass, but the rest of the crew weren't getting off scot-free either. _Come to think of it, this little shopping expedition plays right into my hands. I was wondering how I was going to get Garrus, and Shepard's made it easy for me._

"Okay Kaidan, time to earn your pay. You get to cart all this stuff back to the Normandy while I get the joy of reporting in to Captain Anderson and Ambassador Udina." Shepard made a face as she mentioned the Ambassador's name.

Kaidan hadn't been able to look her in the face since they left the ship, but now he looked up in surprise. This was even better, he'd have ample time to make some slight modifications to Garrus' new armour, although he was wondering how he was going to get all this stuff back to the Normandy and get the items he needed. "Are you really sure we needed all this Shepard?"

"Hey, nothing but the best for my crew. Paid for I might add by driving over mountains and scanning for those damn minerals that you seem to dislike so much. There's even new armour for you that I've been reliably informed is able to withstand a pyjak bite. I'm willing to drive off another mountain to test out what else it can stand, if you are." She grinned impishly at him.

"No, that's quite alright Shepard. I'll take your word for it." He managed to stammer the words out and blushed slightly. _Damn, is she flirting with me?_ They'd been flirting around each other for months but she was becoming more blatant about it lately. He wanted to act on his attraction to her but there were regs to consider. Maybe Joker was right, maybe he should play along for a change. "I'm sure you can find ways to test it without driving off a mountain Shepard."

She winked at him. "Bet on it, Lieutenant. But unfortunately I'll have to hold that thought at bay. Seeing Udina will probably kill it anyway. See you back at the Normandy, Kaidan." She ran a hand down his arm before turning and heading towards Udina's office, leaving him staring after her.

Kaidan managed to get the itching powder he needed for his revenge and made it back to the Normandy where he took Shepard's purchases to her cabin. He picked up Garrus' armour and sprinkled a liberal amount of itching powder through it, concentrating mainly on the butt region. He'd let Shepard distribute the armour instead of doing it himself. He grabbed his new armour and headed for his locker. From there he went in search of the laundry powder and replaced a good deal of it with the rest of the itching powder. He was determined to get his revenge on every damn member of the crew. He had already made sure he had a good supply of freshly laundered clothes so that he didn't accidently include himself in the prank.

They left the Citadel as soon as Shepard came back from her meeting. It didn't take long before Admiral Hackett had a mission for Shepard. Luckily it was a straight forward mission and Kaidan didn't have to test out his new armour as there were no mountains for Shepard to drive off in the Mako.

As they climbed out of the Mako on return to the Normandy, Garrus pulled Kaidan aside.

"Kaidan I need your help. I think I picked something up on that last planet we went to."

Kaidan put his best innocent look on his face. "Oh, what's the problem Garrus?"

Garrus hesitated for a moment. "Well, it's a bit embarrassing, but I can't stop scratching my ass. Do you think you could take a look at it?"

"Garrus there are some things that go way beyond friendship, and I am definitely not rubbing medigel on it." Kaidan was doing his best not to laugh. "Don't you think you should see Dr. Chakwas?"

"C'mon Kaidan, I thought we were friends. Can't you just pretend I'm Shepard?" Garrus had an air of desperation to his voice now.

Kaidan didn't know how he managed to hold his laughter in watching a fully armoured turian try to scratch his ass.

"We are so not going there! Why don't I see if Liara is available? I'm sure she'd be willing to help you….. For science if nothing else."

"Thanks Kaidan, you're a real pal."

"I know. Good luck with your problem Garrus." Kaidan walked away, glad that Garrus couldn't see the smile on his face. _That was priceless, even if he did manage to get in a crack about Shepard._

The next day, the itching seemed to have broken out amongst the whole of the Normandy crew. Kaidan couldn't help chuckling as he watched people trying to eat in the mess as they wriggled around on their chairs. He turned as he felt Shepard's eyes on him. He wasn't sure he liked the contemplative look she was giving him. He was about to turn away when she motioned him to come to her cabin.

"Kaidan, I notice you are the only one not scratching on this whole damn ship."

"Just lucky I guess, Shepard." He gave her a lopsided grin.

"You know, Lieutenants that annoy their commanding officers must be suitably punished."

"I'm not sure I like the sound of that Shepard, although I think getting driven off a mountain and being bitten on the ass was punishment enough. Don't you?" He couldn't believe that Shepard was on to him already.

"It's unfair that you are unscathed while I am uncomfortable," she said a trifle peevishly as she rubbed her ass against the desk.

"I'd hardly call what I've had to put up with lately as being unscathed, Shepard," he replied indignantly.

"I think you're punishment will be to sooth my wounds, after all I did it for you. It's high time you returned the favour, don't you think?"

"You're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting are you? He gulped, suddenly not so sure of himself.

Shepard's smile did nothing to allay his fears. "Not suggesting Lieutenant, ordering, she smirked as she started unbuttoning her pants. "You might have thought you won this battle Kaidan but I am Commander Shepard, I always win when it counts."

Kaidan started to perspire. "Uh Shepard. Perhaps this is something Dr. Chakwas ought to attend to."

"Chakwas has her hands full with her own ass," she said handing him the medigel before turning and presenting him with her slightly red ass which was a much lighter shade than his face.

Kaidan found himself unable to move or speak. He could only stare blindly at Shepard's ass. This was supposed to be his revenge, so why did it feel like the tables were turning on him and he was the one being bitten on the ass again?

"What are you waiting for Kaidan? I have an itch that only you can scratch," she purred seductively.

Kaidan drew in a deep breath and squirted medigel onto his hands. "I'm beginning to itch myself," he muttered.

After a few moments of his hands rubbing the soothing gel onto her ass Shepard was unable to contain a low moan as her hips moved to bring her into much closer contact with him.

"Uh Shepard, I think Joker's waiting for me on the bridge," he said slightly breathlessly.

"Had enough already Kaidan? There will be hell to pay if I find out you are running off and leaving me to rub medigel on _his_ ass. I will expect you to administer this treatment again in another few hours."

"Aye aye Ma'am." He stepped away from her, cheeks aflame. She smiled, her eyes lingering on the rather large bulge beneath his form-fitting BDUs as she pulled her own pants up slowly.

"Do you really think that will be necessary, Shepard?" He asked in a strangled voice.

"Oh, absolutely, Kaidan. You wouldn't want me to suffer would you? You're a marine after all, we have to look out for each other."

Kaidan drew in a breath, if this went on for too long he would explode, and not in a good way. He wanted to retort that he was suffering so she should be too, but didn't think she would take kindly to it. If this mission didn't end soon he wasn't going to be responsible for his actions. _Or I'll be dead because Shepard's sure as hell trying to kill me now._

"You might want to try a cold shower before going anywhere near Joker though." She glanced towards his crotch once again before giggling and walking out of her cabin.

He had to put up with Shepard's torture routine for two days before finally the itching powder had gone from everyone's clothing. He wouldn't have really minded so much if Shepard hadn't been so hell bent on dragging out his torture. At one stage he even considered wearing his new armour in the hopes it would at least hide the effect she was having on him. Her smug grin was really starting to get on his nerves. He had managed to make everyone assume that Joker was behind the prank. _Everyone except for Shepard anyway. _Pressly was the one who was really on the warpath though.

He was smiling as he walked onto the bridge to tell Joker he'd better stay out of Pressly's way.

Joker swiveled in his chair as he heard Kaidan approaching. "I have to hand it to you, Alenko. That was a pretty good stunt you pulled, although you made a mistake by leaving yourself out of it. And there's no way I'd want to face Shepard's wrath. Come to think of it though, you seem to have survived so far."

"You don't get it do you Joker. There was method in my madness. Everyone thinks it was you, and that you left me out to point the blame in my direction, so you may not escape Shepard's wrath after all."

"Me! I was scratching my ass same as everyone else. They won't believe I'd do that to myself."

"Put it this way Joker, who do you think they'll believe pulled a stunt like that, you or me?" Kaidan couldn't quite keep the smugness from his voice.

"You really are evil, you know that Alenko? I'm even starting to admire you. And I guess including Shepard in the stunt got the desired result. You actually managed to get into her cabin with her while she had her pants round her ankles. Although I bet you've set a new record for cold showers over the last couple of days." At the blush spreading across Kaidan's face, Joker laughed. "Hey I had to have something to look at while I was scratching my ass. How many times do I have to tell you I see and hear everything?"

"Yeah you won't be feeling so cocky once you get chewed out by Pressly. Just remember Joker, I can be far more devious than you when I put my mind to it, so no more pranks in my direction. Got it?"

"Yeah I've got it." He said sourly as Kaidan walked away. "You're not really going to leave me at the mercy of Pressly are you?" Joker called plaintively to Kaidan's back.


End file.
